Dear Santa, please give me a cavern.

Ohio Caverns, where the men are men, the crystals are dangle-y and the bats are tiny and cute! Located about sixty miles from Columbus, the hour-ish drive passes through some beautiful countryside. Anyone know the process for buying land and building a house on it? Lemme know.

I can has house here?

Anyway, the caverns themselves are located below the rolling landscape, their only surface indicators being the pretty obvious road signage and the several white painted structures dotting the grounds and covering various entrances and exits to the structure. Featuring a mile-long tour sinking over 100 feet underground, your $12.50 buys you about an hour's worth of time in the actual caverns themselves. No troublemakers need apply, you're not allowed to touch anything. Except the one weird busted crystal, aptly named the "Curiosity Stone". Which feels kind of icky anyway.

Slogging through the caverns with your tour group (no free exploration allowed!), you are treated to equal portions of cavern history, good old-fashioned storytelling and awesome natural rock formations. Now, while this may sound like geology porn of the highest order, rest assured that even us "normals" can enjoy some of the crazy things that happen when water and rocks interact over hundreds or thousands of years.

Starting off, the tour is actually a little boring. It's cool in the caverns, 54 degrees Fahrenheit year-round. The first 15-20 minutes are mostly history lesson, how caverns are formed, how the Ohio Caverns were discovered, why that kid should not be touching whatever it is he is touching, and the like. Some of the first rooms and pathways do feature a few stalactites and stalagmites, but be forewarned: most of the good stuff is in the last half, so save your film/batteries if you need to. Lynn and I were freshly charged up and had a whole memory card to fill, so no worries for us!

The two crystals just right of the center will not touch for another 40-50 years!

The second half of the tour, marked by you entrance to the series of "rooms" in the caverns, features the bulk of the crystal formations. You will see all sorts of different formations, all cause by the simple flow of water through mineral-bearing limestone. Amazing to think that water, for all of its plainness, is probably the most powerful force in shaping the world around us. Aside from plate tectonics, I guess.

The caverns are marked by different coloration on the walls and ceiling, caused by various mineral deposits (manganese, iron oxide, etc) being left over time as the water makes its way through the rock. Formations of crystallized calcite hang from the ceilings (stalactites) and seem to erupt from the ground (stalagmites). Also present are the pencil-thin "soda straws" and assorted columns ranging from a few millimeters to several inches thick. All are worth seeing, as it is truly a wondrous process.

The Crystal King, the largest free-hanging stalactite in Ohio, is prominently featured. At nearly five feet from base to tip, it was formed over 200,000 years (estimated) by the steady flow of water. Definitely a photogenic crystal, if there ever was one!

The Crystal King

All in all, the trip is decently far away from the city that it feels like a real outing, without being so far away as to induce extreme boredom on the drive there or back. The scenery is beautiful, the caverns are amazing and the people running the show are warm and friendly.

Pros:
1. Educational! Learn about caves and rocks and Ohio and stuff.
2. Pretty scenery and lovely crystal formations.
3. Fun people - The staff running the Ohio Caverns is hands-down awesome. Thanks for the great tour, John!
Cons:
1. Slightly expensive - $12.50 per person for an hour long tour.
2. They didn't let us explore on our own, and the annoying old lady in our tour group was not eaten by bats.

Score: 8.5/10. They are open every day except Christmas and Thanksgiving, there is plenty to look at and lots to learn. Great Staycation location!

When I grow up to be a troglodyte...

Helllllooooouu!! So I failed to post on the Armstrong Museum, but we managed to staycation today so I'm on it!

We have spend the past few weeks planning on a trip to the Ohio Caverns, but things kept getting in the way, like laziness and laziness. Today we woke up early anyway to Shelby June's baby glee noises emanating from downstairs, and since we were up, it was a perfect day for getting out and gettin' our Ohio on.

The drive was quite similar to our last trip to Wapakoneta, only a bit shorter. The drive up 33 makes me happy, its so hilly and green, very familiar from numerous trips to Indian Lake as a kid. Before we knew it, we were off the highway and headed through narrow country roads. I thought for a moment that the GPS was trying to take us into the middle of nowhere to kill us.

But soon we reached the cute little gift shop where we were surrounded by excited children, friendly employees, and even an ornery old lady. In a matter of minutes, our tour began and we descended 3 flights of stairs into the caverns. I learned today that a cavern is an underground area to which an entrance must be made, as opposed to a cave, which has a natural entrance. Yay fun fact.

The tour began through a series of narrow tunnels. We had a fairly large tour group but we were right near the front (perfect for insider information). We toured, saw some bats fly about as girly screams ensued, we even got to touch a piece of stalactite which was designated for contact. It felt weirdly waxy.

I quite enjoyed the moment of complete darkness during the trip. It sounds, well not that exciting, but as you reach the middle of the tour, the guide turns off the spotlights. It is like utterly and completely dark, and along with the cool and moist air down there, for a moment I wished I could sleep down there nightly.

Toward the end of the tour you go through several rooms which have beautiful views of crystals, including the famous pump formation and the crystal king. Its an almost surreal space, and its easy to forget that all the crystals have occurred naturally and that you are not waiting in line in an amusement park decorated to look like a magical phallic-al alien landscape.

Even by the end of the tour there is plenty to see. Well, first you have to climb your booty back up 60 stairs... not an easy task. Luckily, I was momentarily distracted by the snuggling itty bitty bats that were chillin' in the stairwell.

I am a rather big fan of gift shops, and The Ohio Caverns has quite the spread. Everything from a $10,000 dollar, 6 foot tall crystal formation, to toothpick holders inscribed with the name. A large selection of clothes, knickknacks, jewelery, useless crap... but even the useless crap was fun to look at. There was even a display case of re-collected old items from the gift shop which was quite interesting. As the so-called oldest tourist attraction in Ohio, there is more history in this place than just the crystals. I got myself another smooshed penny for my collection, and even picked up a handy dandy book/case to hold and display them.

STAYCATION RATING:
Funness: ***** - You'll be too awestruck to ever get bored.
Educationalness: ***** - Lots of interesting information is provided by the tour, such as the discovery of the caverns, and the history of tours within it.
Cheapness: *** - Gotta shell out some cash ($12.50 per person) but the price is pretty worth it.
Journeyness: **** - An easy drive, with pretty scenery. You will prolly see some horses, cows, and goats on the drive, maybe even an alpaca or two.
Busyness *** - It was busy, but we did go on Labor Day.

Overall **** - Right up my alley, I loved it.