Dear Santa, please give me a cavern.

Ohio Caverns, where the men are men, the crystals are dangle-y and the bats are tiny and cute! Located about sixty miles from Columbus, the hour-ish drive passes through some beautiful countryside. Anyone know the process for buying land and building a house on it? Lemme know.

I can has house here?

Anyway, the caverns themselves are located below the rolling landscape, their only surface indicators being the pretty obvious road signage and the several white painted structures dotting the grounds and covering various entrances and exits to the structure. Featuring a mile-long tour sinking over 100 feet underground, your $12.50 buys you about an hour's worth of time in the actual caverns themselves. No troublemakers need apply, you're not allowed to touch anything. Except the one weird busted crystal, aptly named the "Curiosity Stone". Which feels kind of icky anyway.

Slogging through the caverns with your tour group (no free exploration allowed!), you are treated to equal portions of cavern history, good old-fashioned storytelling and awesome natural rock formations. Now, while this may sound like geology porn of the highest order, rest assured that even us "normals" can enjoy some of the crazy things that happen when water and rocks interact over hundreds or thousands of years.

Starting off, the tour is actually a little boring. It's cool in the caverns, 54 degrees Fahrenheit year-round. The first 15-20 minutes are mostly history lesson, how caverns are formed, how the Ohio Caverns were discovered, why that kid should not be touching whatever it is he is touching, and the like. Some of the first rooms and pathways do feature a few stalactites and stalagmites, but be forewarned: most of the good stuff is in the last half, so save your film/batteries if you need to. Lynn and I were freshly charged up and had a whole memory card to fill, so no worries for us!

The two crystals just right of the center will not touch for another 40-50 years!

The second half of the tour, marked by you entrance to the series of "rooms" in the caverns, features the bulk of the crystal formations. You will see all sorts of different formations, all cause by the simple flow of water through mineral-bearing limestone. Amazing to think that water, for all of its plainness, is probably the most powerful force in shaping the world around us. Aside from plate tectonics, I guess.

The caverns are marked by different coloration on the walls and ceiling, caused by various mineral deposits (manganese, iron oxide, etc) being left over time as the water makes its way through the rock. Formations of crystallized calcite hang from the ceilings (stalactites) and seem to erupt from the ground (stalagmites). Also present are the pencil-thin "soda straws" and assorted columns ranging from a few millimeters to several inches thick. All are worth seeing, as it is truly a wondrous process.

The Crystal King, the largest free-hanging stalactite in Ohio, is prominently featured. At nearly five feet from base to tip, it was formed over 200,000 years (estimated) by the steady flow of water. Definitely a photogenic crystal, if there ever was one!

The Crystal King

All in all, the trip is decently far away from the city that it feels like a real outing, without being so far away as to induce extreme boredom on the drive there or back. The scenery is beautiful, the caverns are amazing and the people running the show are warm and friendly.

Pros:
1. Educational! Learn about caves and rocks and Ohio and stuff.
2. Pretty scenery and lovely crystal formations.
3. Fun people - The staff running the Ohio Caverns is hands-down awesome. Thanks for the great tour, John!
Cons:
1. Slightly expensive - $12.50 per person for an hour long tour.
2. They didn't let us explore on our own, and the annoying old lady in our tour group was not eaten by bats.

Score: 8.5/10. They are open every day except Christmas and Thanksgiving, there is plenty to look at and lots to learn. Great Staycation location!